Thirty Days

I think Lilyana might be watching her Bible videos too often.  She asked me if Lazarus would be coming to Katie’s birthday party.  The other morning she told me her teddy bear didn’t feel good.  She told me he has leprosy.

The ticking of the clock on the wall and the calendar don’t bother me anymore.  They are both packed up in a box.  We are near the thirty day mark.  Boxes have appeared in nearly every room and reality is setting in.  For reasons beyond any human understanding we have decided to move ourselves. (Well, you other Army people know why) The Army calls it a DITY move.  “Do It Yourself” move…or “I guess you have forgotten that the Army will do this for you and that your small children will make this an impossible feat” move. 

   

Things are getting very hard.  I really can’t think of a good way to describe it but it was good to hear Whitney singing the national anthem over and over this week.

This situation happens all over the country I imagine.  In many houses people cry and wait for daddy.  I don’t know, maybe they don’t cry.  This story isn’t special it’s just mine.  It’s how this is changing MY family.  The last time my neighbor went without her hubby she had three little ones, home schools and he was gone for over a year.  A young friend finds out she is miscarrying but her husband isn’t there to hold her.  A girlfriend comes over and her five year old has a melt down and cries for daddy when Mommy scolds her.  It’s everywhere.  A heaviness.  The knowledge that things just aren’t meant to be this way. 

I am by no means a seasoned Army wife.  We have being living a dream because John has been home for a solid year.  To me, it doesn’t matter if he’s two hours away in training or on the other side of the world, gone is gone.  The last time he was gone for an extended period of time it wasn’t this hard mostly because he was originally slotted to be home in three months.  It was extended to 14 months.  I am told it doesn’t get easier.  I hope that it does.  At least when the girls are older I can explain that Daddy didn’t just vanish.  Right?  Anyone?

I will miss living here near other wives.  Other women who know that it’s Friday night but you have nothing to do.  Women who know how exhausted and lonely you are.  Women who can laugh about subjects most people avoid.   Women who can speak in acronyms. 

When I was packing I came across a stack of letters he wrote me last time.  Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I still think there’s something special about getting a letter that e-mail doesn’t have.  I told hubby last night that I know when God created me he knew all this was coming.  God knew I was going to be an Army wife.  Why didn’t he make me stronger?  I think we were the only couple in Carrabas getting teared up on Valentines day.  The other couples looked happier. 

Me:  I feel like someone is dying.

Hubby: Yes, you’ve said that before.

There are other things I haven’t said.  Things I know he thinks about but I don’t want to confirm his concerns.  My Mom reminds me that things will not be as bad as I think.  I know that’s true.  I’ll get settled, stay busy and try not to stare at the calendar.  Again. 

I see Katie waddling to him at her top speed when he comes home from work.  Lilyana calls down to him at bedtime “I loooooove you Daddy” and I feel like I was just punched in the gut. 

We will go my Mom’s in about three weeks and he will leave a couple days later.  He will be gone for five months, we will see him for three weeks, and then he will be gone a year.  In total, about 18 months. 

18 months.

When I was pregnant with Katie and we talked about the future we thought about how fun it would be when the girls are two and four.  Two was such a great age.  We thought that would be a really sweet time.   Now, it's a time he will totally miss.  Lilyana will be almost five when he gets back.

I probably won’t post another blog until he’s gone.  It’s just too hard and would just be more depressing rambling.  Keep us in your prayers but pray mostly for him.  I can’t imagine how much he will miss the girls.  He would go to the end of the earth for these girls, actually, I guess he is doing just that.  That just occurred to me as I am typing. 

We had a yard sale today trying to sift out what we don’t need and get rid of some baby stuff.  When someone drove away with the last major baby item I started to cry.  Lilyana saw a tear falling beneath my sunglasses.

Lilyana ”awwww, what’s wrong Mommy?” (she pats me)

Me: “Well, I’m just sad thinking about Daddy leaving on his trip”

Lilyana “oh Mommy, it will be ok,”

She walks away and comes back with her teddy bear and hands him to me.

“This will make you feel better Mommy”

Good thing Jesus healed him.  Leprosy is highly contagious J


But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory and the lifter of my head
Psalm 3:3